Romance scam: how to spot it and what to do
It starts with a friendly message on a dating app or social media. A soldier on an overseas base, an oil rig engineer or a doctor abroad writes every day and talks about a future together – then a problem comes up that only money can fix. In 2022, nearly 70,000 people told the US Federal Trade Commission they'd been caught by a romance scam, with reported losses of $1.3 billion. Here's how to spot one and what to do if you've already sent money.
Key points
- A romance scam is long-term manipulation: someone with a fake identity spends weeks or months building a relationship before asking for money, gift cards, crypto or help moving cash.
- The rule that settles it: never send money or gifts to someone you haven't met in person. A request for money from an online match is always a red flag.
- Already paid? Send nothing more, call your bank or the payment service right away, ask for a refund and report it (ReportFraud.ftc.gov in the US, Report Fraud in the UK).
How a romance scam works
The person on the other end isn't who they say they are. They build a fake identity, message you often – sometimes several times a day – and declare strong feelings early. Scamwatch calls this "love bombing". Only once you feel emotionally attached does the money come up.
The FTC says contact usually starts on social media or a dating site or app. Of the people who told the FTC they'd lost money to a romance scam in 2022, 40% said it began on social media and 19% on a website or app. Scammers often push to move the conversation to a private messaging app quickly, away from the platform's moderation.
The stories they tell
The FTC lists the same excuses again and again:
- Military service abroad – in its 2023 analysis, a faraway military base was the most popular excuse for not meeting.
- Working on an offshore oil rig or for an international organisation.
- Medical bills for themselves or a relative.
- A plane ticket or visa so they can finally come and see you.
- Fees to get out of trouble – customs, legal costs, a frozen account.
- "Help" with crypto investing – Scamwatch warns that once there's an emotional bond, scammers often pitch cryptocurrency as a way to easy money. That's an investment scam dressed up as a relationship.
The median loss reported to the FTC in 2022 was $4,400 – and many people lose far more.
How to spot a romance scammer
| What happens | What it means |
|---|---|
| They ask for money, but you've never met in person | The clearest sign of a romance scam. |
| There's always a reason they can't meet or video chat | They can't – they aren't who they say they are. |
| Strong feelings very early, messages all day | "Love bombing" to build an emotional bond fast. |
| They want to move from the dating app to a messaging app | Away from the platform that could spot and ban them. |
| They ask for gift cards, wire transfers or crypto | Payment methods that are hard to reverse. |
| They suggest an investment or a crypto trading app | An investment scam using the relationship as bait. |
| They ask you to keep the relationship secret | Scamwatch warns they try to cut you off from family and friends. |
| They get angry or threatening when you ask questions | Another red flag listed by Scamwatch. |
| They ask you to receive money and send it on | You'd be laundering money for them. |
Check them out: run a reverse image search on their profile photos (Google Lens or Bing). If the same face appears under another name, you have your answer. The FTC also suggests searching their claimed job with the word "scammer" – for example "oil rig scammer" – and talking to a friend or family member you trust.
What to do right now
- Don't send anything else – no "last" fee, no customs charge, no lawyer's bill. Every payment just leads to the next request.
- Contact whoever handled the payment straight away – your bank, the wire service, the money transfer app or the gift card company. The FTC says to tell them you paid a scammer and ask for a refund. Gift card PINs you sent? Contact the card's issuer immediately.
- Gave them card details or your online banking login? Ask your bank to block them. Scamwatch also advises changing the passwords on your accounts, including banking and email. If you entered details on a link they sent, follow Entered your details on a phishing site.
- Keep the evidence: screenshots of the profile and chats, the names and numbers they used, account numbers, payment receipts, gift card receipts and crypto transaction IDs. Don't delete the conversation.
- Stop all contact, block them and report the profile to the dating app or social network where you met.
- Received other people's money in your account? Don't send any of it on. Follow Money mule: someone wants to move money through your account.
- Sent intimate photos and now they're threatening you? Don't pay. Keep the evidence and see our guide to sextortion.
Report it
- US: report it to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov and to the app or site where you met.
- UK: tell your bank first, then report it to Report Fraud at reportfraud.police.uk or on 0300 123 2040 (England, Wales and Northern Ireland). In Scotland, contact Police Scotland on 101.
- Australia: contact your bank, get free support from IDCARE on 1800 595 160 and report it to Scamwatch.
- Elsewhere: contact your bank first, then your local police.
Be wary of "recovery" offers after the scam. Anyone who contacts you promising to get your money back for an upfront fee is likely after more of your money – the same trick follows investment scams.
Worried about someone close to you?
Scamwatch notes that scammers ask victims to keep the relationship secret and try to isolate them from family and friends. Czech police list signs that people around a victim can notice: secrecy about the new partner, nervousness and mood swings, and new loans or selling and pawning belongings.
Don't mock or lecture – shame helps the scammer. Ask whether they've ever met in person or had a live video call, and offer to run a reverse image search on the photos together. If money has already gone, go with them to the bank and help them report it.
Protect yourself next time
- Never send money, card or bank details, ID documents or intimate photos to someone you only know online – Scamwatch's core rule.
- Treat a request for money from an online match as the end of the conversation, not a test of love.
- Never move money for anyone through your account.
- Before you open a "payment page" or "shipping company" link they send, check where it really leads with our Suspicious Link Checker.
- Talk to parents and grandparents who live alone. Scammers go after people who are lonely.
FAQ
How can I tell if my online match is a scammer?
The clearest sign is a request for money from someone you've never met in person – for medical bills, a plane ticket, a visa, customs fees or an investment. Other signs: they always have a reason they can't meet or video chat, the relationship moves very fast, they want to move the chat off the dating app, and their photos turn up under other names in a reverse image search.
They've sent photos and documents. Doesn't that prove they're real?
No. The FTC advises running a reverse image search on profile pictures because scammers use photos taken from other people. Documents are easy to fake. Neither proves that the person exists or is who they say they are.
Why do they want gift cards or cryptocurrency?
Because that money is hard to get back. The FTC says romance scammers ask for wire transfers, gift card PINs, money transfer apps and crypto for exactly that reason. In 2022, gift cards were the payment method most often reported to the FTC by romance scam victims, and crypto and bank wires made up more than 60% of the money lost.
They want me to receive money in my account and send it on. Is that OK?
No – refuse. Scamwatch warns never to transfer money on someone else's behalf because it may involve you in money laundering. The money usually belongs to other victims, and the account holder can face prosecution. See our guide to money mules.
I'm embarrassed. Is it worth reporting?
Yes. The FTC received nearly 70,000 romance scam reports in 2022 alone – you're far from the only one, and scammers rely on victims staying quiet. Your report helps your bank trace the money, helps the police link cases, and protects you if your account was used to move other people's money.
Sources
- Federal Trade Commission – What To Know About Romance Scams (August 2022)
- Federal Trade Commission – Data Spotlight: Romance scammers' favorite lies exposed (9 Feb 2023)
- Scamwatch (Australian Government) – Relationship scams
- Policie ČR (Czech police) – Romance scams (in Czech)
- Report Fraud – the UK's fraud and cyber crime reporting service
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